Developing self awareness

 

For some reason some of my best ideas come from waking from an intense dream, in the 20 mins of waking and adjusting to a new reality ideas take hold. In the dream I was being chased, in danger, home a place of safety was being threatened. I read somewhere Dali got his inspiration from dreams. Answer in symbols from the Subconscious?

Two overlapping ideas but of the same vein, body image and an image of an artist. I feel over weight as I can fit into a suit I bought. An Addiction to sugar and struggles with money have finally caught up with me. Or do I just have a higher value in the 150 euro I might need to spend on a new suit? ha, more people’s perception of me, needed to feed the beast which is my ego.

I imagine if I loose a stone of fat life will be better. I’ll have more perceived value to my self and others. Why has the place I got to just become so ugly to me. The reality is life on Meds, over eating on sugar and lack of weekly exercise has increased my weight. Not a big deal. I really enjoyed getting there like time well spent in my studio creating. Like water I followed an easy route. If I came against a big rock I’d go around it. Moving rocks is difficult. So if I move the rock it seems idiotic to have pride that I moved it.

My mind loves symbols so I fast forward 2 months to my goal. I imagine pride from myself and pride from my girlfriend about loosing weight but I see that I have just on the surface replaced the bandage with another bandage. Like with art, when on social media when I get 100,000 views on a gif I made. This is evidence that I have value as an artist. When I get paid for a job or sell a painting that is value. When people turn up to my exhibitions these are all reality checks, validations that i am good enough but they are all routes to the ego.

So to the wound. It is a negative core belief that im not good enough. Love from my family and love from my girlfriend replaces the negative core belief with a positive one. I am loved. So feeling content I need less escapism but it is shaky foundation and I can be convinced that I’m not. Old habits. My ego. Water always finds the easy route.

Conclusion ?
Remind my self to be mindful, put the work in, move the rocks. Enjoy doing it. Enjoy the experience of being excited that over 100,000 people have seen a piece of art I made in a wow that is mad, the world is crazy and I have no Idea what that means, ha. Be present, In the now. Life can be though so go with the flow but challenge my negative core beliefs. Move the fucking rocks Shane no one else will. It will make the life of the water that still has to come flow faster and your life easier.

 

Leave a Reply

17 − four =